Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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