I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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