Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
pray to the hookup gods
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
