A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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