no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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