im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
