Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize