I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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