Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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