Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
