I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You dont lie about slip and slides
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
