So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize