I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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