No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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