he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
