I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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