Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
