My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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