my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize