I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
