i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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