i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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