The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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