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After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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