why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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