my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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