better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
