My sheets look like a crime scene.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
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