She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
