The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
