We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
