I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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