how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
