I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
