i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
