i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
