I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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