First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have feelings that need drinking.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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