yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
