There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
