it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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