The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
