i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
we're so committed to being not committed
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