Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
