the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
