I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
