How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
