i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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