How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
