he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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