don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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