Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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