if you like me you must not know who I am
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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