I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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