I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
