my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
