I think I won the penis lottery.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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