I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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