This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
