She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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