Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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