what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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