I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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