1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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