i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
